It’s been awhile.
Awhile since I’ve been able to gather my thoughts enough to write. Awhile since my head stopped spinning long enough to realize I’ve been off the roller coaster since January, and my feet have touched back down on planet normalcy. Awhile since I’ve had any desires for much of anything anymore. It’s been awhile.
I never quite imagined my return to writing would come in this particular fashion, as I honestly believed (or rather “hoped” is a better term) that I had surpassed the point of constantly feeling he need to say goodbye. Since I was probably ten or eleven, suicide has always been an answer; not the “correct” answer, but it’s been there. As I’ve grown older I have just accepted this as an inevitable part of my story, the only remaining questions are how and when, but I can firmly assert that now is not the time. While I can slowly feel everything going to the shitter, there is simply too much left which I would regret to leave unfinished, promises I must uphold, and people to whom I must say a proper thank you and goodbye. I wish I were lying by saying that I wish I had the courage to follow through now on a plan, to finally rid myself of this unbearable weight.
For a while, I was doing better. I got help, I was honest about what was going on. For the first time ever, I saw a light that didn’t symbolize the awe of death, but rather of life. I wish I could remember what that felt like, even just for a moment, so I could remember what I’m fighting for. I’m losing sight of the goal. I’m losing sight of my life. I’m losing sight of me. Quite frankly, I’m losing; and I’ve lost nearly all will to continue fighting this on my own.
I’ve never realized how much of a coward I am before these last few weeks. I complain I have problems, but as soon as someone points one out without my bringing it up, I shut down. I know I can’t do this on my own, yet I pull away in distrust of anyone who has the ability to help me. I’m so quick to judge the actions of others, yet I avoid taking responsibility for my own. I say that people don’t care, but in reality, I’ve done nothing but tell them not to. I’m such a coward. I can’t stand to look in the mirror anymore – and I’m honestly not sure how I was ever able to. It honestly feels like I’m too far gone to be saved. I just want to be done with this life, but I know somewhere deep inside that would be a cowardly decision as well. So I’m stuck between: living my life as I am, hoping I’m able to find the courage to change, or having the strength to realize I’m just not cut out for this, and take matters into my own hands. I might as well just flip a coin . . .